Bubble Rain

Monday, September 25, 2017 Comments Off

It started to rain again.

The last time it was raining on this part of the island was half a year ago—when the rain could witness us with our lips locked, while my fingers fumbled due to their lack of experience and your hands gripping on the armrests between us trying to simultaneously be closer and apart. The rain manifested a little bubble that defied time and space, any resemblance of reality was rejected. It was, simply, intimacy made life. My trusted yellow bag was a silent witness of the bubble in which there was a you and a me that cannot exist in reality. You were attentive, flirty, caring, observant, and a bit spontaneous, while I was hopeful, giddy, naive, and unready. We were exquisite. We experienced things that logic and reality would reject all at once. But that is all it was. A bubble. Its exclusivity cannot obey the laws of time and space, so it left us bereft of guidance or path. Things are done differently in this realm. We cannot find a dynamic that suits us properly and gives the same delightful feeling that we experienced in the bubble.

Maybe the rain would end the feelings that it started.

Humane to Want

Wednesday, September 6, 2017 Comments Off

It has been long since I last had an exciting day out with myself. It's been too long since I last had a date with myself that resulted in many pretty poems and short stories. I would pretty much like to blame it on the obligation and responsibility of being an employee in an industry that demands your attention 24/7; but I would be a coward if I were to say so. I would be lying—not so much to other people, but to myself. Lying about the reason behind my absence in my own relationship with myself would be counterproductive to its growth. The fact was, simply, I was too tired to care about myself. Sure, I gave myself necessities and attention, but it was bare minimum, a sub par at best. I prefer to give something with more depth, something that actually shows how much I worth to myself. Alas, since everything that has been going on in my life is emotionally draining, I feel like I don't have any excess attention and affection to give to myself to.

It's kind of hard not being able to show myself affection and attention that I deeply need. Especially when I know that I do not have anyone that could provide me with this necessity when I fail to come up with any of both. This inherent necessity is something primal that the world has deprived me of—something that only few fortunate could give and take from another, something that those who experience loneliness or unrequited love yearn for the most, something that these two groups of people know intimately but never seen, felt, touch them properly. How fortunate those who can sate their needs for affection and attention in the hands of people who care for them.

Perhaps I should also reflect on my needs and its requirement for satiation. Though, answer me this my love, is it too much to ask for understanding, honesty, and affection? Isn't it humane to want?

It Could Be

Friday, August 11, 2017 Comments Off

It was: rainy breezy afternoon, messy charcoal linen bedsheet, music softly playing from the record player, lacy panties under worn undershirt.

It was: skin pressed on skin, sighing in contentment was the norm here, vulnerability was treated with amity, diligently rememorizing every expanse with kindness and zero objectivity.

It was: late breakfast with poached eggs on toasts, holding a body whose eyes were the colour of black tea steeped for too long, greedily devouring each others' fear.

It was: unscheduled visit from the neighbor carrying extra apple pie, ignored emails and messages, competitive board game matches, drinking honeyed tea from floral teacup sets.

It was: heating up last night food, arguing over fictional characters, cleaning up the bathroom with lemon-scented supply.

It was: impossibility, rearranged.

A Letter to Stranger: Twee

Tuesday, July 18, 2017 Comments Off

Dear Almost Love,

My office installed a fossball table today and it reminded me of you. I remembered the day you taught me how to play the game, how I failed to score every time and how patient you were to me. It was a simple thing, really, yet I can't forget how you did not ridicule me or dismiss me for being inadequate. To tell you the truth, maybe this is what I've been looking for—this particular thing that some other people are lack of, it's how easily you see me as someone complete though inexperienced. It's funny how I still compare other people to you in the way how you treat me. Is it wrong if I say that I miss it?

Although, I must say, there is this one guy. Perhaps, if you can recall, I have talked about him to you before, almost a year and half ago. Funny how time went by so fast and yet my feelings are still the same, if not more amplified due to certain moments that happened few months ago. What's more is the fact that I even call him your successor in terms of his inability to commit with me, either long term or short term. I don't know whether or not you'd get along with someone like him, but what I can tell you about him is that he can be unbeatably nice when he wants to. His particular type of kindness is exactly what I need—but it only comes sporadically, only whenever he feels like it, the other time, it would feel like he is the coldest, the most insufferable person of them all. He can be so intimately caring, yet he can also act like we have never known each other before. It is not fair to compare him to you, but he cannot be as continuously kind as you.  Also, unlike you, he has given me a few things that you've never been able to achieve. In this regard, he wins, though this is not the positive sort.

Of course, you know me well enough to understand my love for solving puzzling mysteries and knowing intimate details of someone. I want to unravel him, to get to know him further—I want to be the only one who are shared more private, intimate things by him. Obviously, such is dreams.

I know, believe me I know, that it's not healthy to be in this way—to be in the shorter end of the stick where I have to make more effort of the chasing and caring. I know that it is counterproductive to achieving complete self-love and self-respect, a couple of things that I have bragged about recently. But, I do not know which one to blame, my stubborn heart or curious mind?

I will update you more once I have any monumental change between my interaction with him, though I highly doubt it.

I hope everything is well with you, wherever you are.

The one who could have grown old with you

Anything Less

Sunday, July 16, 2017 Comments Off

I would like to start off this post by being grateful for all the things that have happened to me so far—be it decidedly good or bad.

I realized so much have happened to me in the course of six months that had me gasping for understanding, patience, and, mostly, space. Everything that I experienced has been overwhelmingly eventful to the point of me not being able to actually pause and breathe in; a pastime that unfortunately I have taken for granted. I won't talk about the events in great details because some of them involve certain individuals. I will, however, talk about the lessons I have learned for the past months.

Because of these events, I came to a conclusion that self-love is important for positively sustaining yourself against the verbal and non-verbal injuries the world has brewed up for you; however, that is not to say that self-love alone is good enough. I found that self-respect should go hand-in-hand with self-love. Though, I would say, acquiring self-respect is a lot harder than self-love.

Personally, self-love is easier to obtain because it involves feelings that we have been exposed to since young age. Self-love is more organic, more chemical than factual. Its only requirement is unwavering faith and constant support. But, self-respect is different. It is quite harder to achieve due to the nature of its pragmatic demand. Self-respect could only be gained if we are up to our own standards, refusing to indulge in a standard lower than what we expect ourselves to have. Perhaps, this is what I have gained this year.

The journey of gaining it is particularly hard. It is one that I have been in for years, but most of it was not deliberate effort because I did not know that self-respect is one of the things that I have been looking for. A lot of things were involved in this so-called journey—blood, sweat, and tears were the least extreme things that I had to expend. Hard as it is to gain, I've never been more grateful for its timing. I receive it during the time when I truly need it the most. It is something to justify myself to get out of toxic relationships. Self-respect has forced me to improve certain conditions in my life. It has taught me to move myself from situations where people do not give me any appreciation for the potentials that I carry within me or the things that I did in the past; this includes personal, professional, and even, surprisingly, romantic aspects.

Thanks to my newly-minted self-respect, I learned a few other things because it made me assess everything that I have experiences so far. The biggest learning point is how I could use self-respect as a base to assess circumstances in my life—examining them if they are up to the standards in which I deserve.  Self-respect helps me pragmatically assess whether or not I am in an unbeneficial relationship or unsupportive environment. This is not saying I do not put any sentimental value as a factor on anything that I examine, but self-respect puts things into perspectives in ways which self-love hasn't been able to do.

The first big thing that I analyze was of course the relationship that I have with myself. I should be treating myself better without overly indulging my every whims. Previously when I look at the relationship that I have on myself based on self-love, I keep on overindulging because I felt that I deserve more. But with self-respect, I have to truly ponder over decisions whether they are beneficial to me or not; beneficial in terms of mental, physical, and emotional health. I want to treat myself in the same ways that I have foolishly treated some people in my life. I understand now that my priority is the betterment of myself by improving in positive ways and losing all the negative aspects that do not give me any continuous upside. The latter one is the hardest one, I am still learning how to let things go even though my head and my heart know these things are not good for me.

By knowing my worth and treating myself with respect, I understand now what I need from someone (or anyone, really) is abundance of patience, understanding, indulgence, respect, affection, and attention. I realize I should not settle in anything less.

You: Burnt-Orange

Monday, May 15, 2017 Comments Off

You pointed at the burnt-orange building, "That was it, that was the place where I first loved."

I almost cried at that, here I was so focused on imagining our lives intertwined together that I forgot the fact that your life had been tangled in a mess that I do not wish to unravel. I had momentarily forgotten that you had already had your own share of envisioning a shared life with someone else, someone that you could love, someone that you did love.
I did not dare to ask if that building was the first place where you fell in love, or made love to, or even being told that you were loved. I couldn't bring myself to inquire because I knew whatever the answer that would come out of your mouth wouldn't make me happy in any way.
So I stayed silent, inactively persuading you to continue to tell more of your stories in order to be awed by the history of you. For the most part, I wanted to hear how you led your life, especially since you had almost a decade ahead of me.
You rambled on, decidedly not explaining further about the history behind that burnt-orange building. And I had never been masochist enough to ask further. I had already been crushed by the realization that I could never ignite that same passion when you pointed at that burnt-orange building, I could never inspire feelings so strong that you could condemn and worship a building in the same breath.

Collection of Recollection, Part IX

Sunday, April 9, 2017 Comments Off

you don't
worth the weight
you have on me

do soulmates
an expiry date?
time limit

they say
you don't meet people
by accident,
then meeting you
must have been
a predestined scheme,
something that even
the universe has conspired.
or perhaps,
it's just our atoms
calling out to find their kin

all these
imaginary scenarios,
of us existing together
with each other
for each other,
where do they live
when reality rejects them?
unlisted location

maybe this is what
we want from
each other:
that we are not
as harsh, as intolerable,
as difficult, as impossible,
as cumbersome, as unlovable
as we thought we both are

I am addicted to
the way you made me feel;
how you claim
our intimacy,
our connection,
our closeness
as something valuable
personal achievement

it feels like
your soul
trying to
claw its way
out of your skin,
out of life,
out of reality
anxiety and heartbreak

I am collection of:
and questions;
all for you

where does
romance go
when it is not

what's the
of an almost?
a question mark

the saddest part
about us not happening
is the fact that
we can never be
each other's support system,
even though
we, desperately,
and need one
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